Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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