I wish you could order shots online.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
