No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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