Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
