I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
