We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
zippers are such a cool invention
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
