Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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