I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
