Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sext me about skeletons
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
