I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
