either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize