I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
