I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
