Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
