Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
