Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need moral support for this bender
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
