im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize