my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
