oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
