you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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