You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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