im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
