you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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