I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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