my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
