i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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