my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
