Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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