How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
