i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
