I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
only you would photoshop your dick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
