so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
