true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
