i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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