my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
