he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
