Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
