dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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