My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
