Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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