I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
