So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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