Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
