my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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