OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
