You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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