I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I touched a dick in church today
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
