Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
