if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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