nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
