So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
