Your dad touched me again.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
