I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize