so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
