So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
