Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
