put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
