i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
