I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
