Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize